i miss my blog. i miss writing out my anger with no parents to look at it. well, that i know of, or that will yell at me. 

i find that i try to be self-reliant, and i find that its not working so well for me. as days go on i feel like its getting worse and worse. i can't do it on my own anymore, and i dont like that. i always made that my thing, to be able to take care of myself no matter what happened, and i can do it, monetarily speaking. but.. i find no comfort in my own mind anymore. or atleast, in my own mind while alone in a room.

i dissapoint myself over and over. too high of expectations. and there is no way i can back down from it now. i need more time to do school.. i have none, 2 jobs and working the minimum hours i can in order to still pay my bills. i can't quit one, and still stay afloat. and i can't ask my parents to pay because they won't. so, i work. and i try to jam in school. and on the days i took off to do school, mom finds the need to try to chat with me and makes me help her with stuff that i DONT HAVE TIME FOR. yes mom, i know i love to cook, but that doesn't mean i have time to help you with dinner while you sit and watch ellen.

i need more time to be a kid. i have friends, but i dont get to do anything with them. so, i guess i dont really have that many friends. in order for me to do anything, i have to ask, and report back every time i make a move. it's gay, and ridiculous, and instead of embarassing myself in front of the world, i just stay home. in my room. alone, on a friday. trying to do school, and realizing what a dissapointment i am to myself.

trying to do a lesson everytime i sit down to do school. who am i kidding. [one lesson is about 2 months worth of stuff] everything goes in one ear out the other. im not developing in litterature like i could.everything i work so hard for.everything a waste. im so mad at me. i just want to pause mylife and take a breather cuz i can't take a breather because i dont have the time to breath. hmph.

i want to just be done. to quit life for about 2 months, sit in a hole and just do school and be done, then start life again. this isn't fricken working.

i love it when people respect you.

its nice. it makes you feel nice, it makes them feel nice, and its just all around nice.

like.." yea, i know.. you told me this and i'm MORE than ok with it. i'm happy for it"
when speaking about relationship matters.  i find it nice. no whining. no frustration. just me..being me, and him either accepting it or leaving. he doesn't try to get me to change who i am.. doesn't want me to be anything that i'm not. just wants me to be the katie that he knows and likes. i think that is respectful. not encroaching, not being judgemental or pushy.. not shoving opinions in your face, just allowing you to be who you are, and loving you straight through it.

respect... that is what it means to me..

•   english journal= end of part one & part 2.
• algebra lesson 6= 20 questions left out of 50
• algebra part 2, final.= 100 questions.

this has to be done by the end of june, and i'm going to make it!! woohooo!!!

then in july i will order english 3, spanish 1, and digital photography. i have taken spanish 1 before... well, part semester of it at sandwich, so it shouldn't be too hard. dp is super easy. and english is the same thing i have always done. then i have english 4, spanish 2, and computer fundamentals or something like that... and i will be done with high school! if i do each order of classes in 3 months... i can be done by january.

i will still be 16.

16 and out of high school

think i can do it?